Friday, September 25, 2009

The Missing Piece of The Puzzle

Happy Friday! I wanted to thank all of you for all your sweet and wonderful comments about my new diet! You are all so supportive! It is amazing what a wonderful network of friends I have made since beginning my blog. You are truly a blessing!

After I wrote the post about my new diet, I realized that my readers are missing a big piece of the puzzle. I thought I would take this time to share my story with you. My weight has always been an issue. I was a fat kid and a chubby teenager. I have always had a bubbly and outgoing personality, but I have always been self conscious about my body.

There was a short time I slimmed down in high school and in college, but I began to rapidly gain weight as a graduate student. I went from wearing a size 12 (which is actually a very appropriate size for me) to only being able to shop in plus size shops.

Now, I must say that I do not equate beauty or self worth with the number on the scale or the size of clothes. As I have grown older, I have embraced my womanly, curvy figure. I will never be a size six and I am more than okay with that. Beautiful women come in every shape, size, and color.

At the point in my life where I was a true plus size, I was not comfortable with myself. I didn't want to see old friends for fear that they would mention my weight gain. I didn't want people to take pictures of me and I did not want to see pictures of myself. I could look at women who were the same size as me and think how beautiful they were, but at the time I could not see myself as beautiful.

I lost weight when I finished graduate school by following Weight Watchers and going to Curves. I wasn't high school thin, but I was happy with what I saw in the mirror. I began to become unhappy with myself again when Michael and I became engaged.

A girl from Michael's past was very unhappy that we were engaged. She often called me and told me what a fat witch (she didn't use the word witch) I was. She would ask Michael if I was pregnant because she thought that would be the only reason why he was marrying me. Your engagement is supposed to be such a happy time, but for me it was torture. I constantly worried that I would not be a beautiful bride. I worried that I would look fat in my wedding dress, and I worried that people would make fun of me. I slipped into a frame of mind that I had not been in since middle school.

My Mom and Dad tired of seeing my tears and my struggle purchased the Nutri System plan for me. I lost 20 pounds, and I was the smallest I had been since high school. After the wedding, I came off of Nutri System. It is rather expensive and I just could not stand to eat any more of those meals. I gained the 20 pounds back almost immediately.

I began following Weight Watchers and working out with a personal trainer. The weight did not come off. I was diagnosed with a slow thyroid and began taking medicine to regulate it. The weight did not come off. In fact, my weight began to rise.

About a month ago, I realized that I was avoiding pictures again. I was also avoiding seeing old friends. I knew I needed to do something about it. That is when I began my new diet.

When I post pictures, what you see are pictures from my past or very good/flattering current pictures. I never put up an unflattering picture of myself on here or on facebook. Maybe that is vain of me, but my motto is if I can control the content then the content is going to look good! :)

I say all this so you will know that I'm not a size 12 trying to be a size 6. I have more to lose than what appears in the pictures I show. I struggle with my weight and honestly I know it is a battle that I will always have to fight.

I also want to extend a plea to you. No matter what size you are, please do not be like the girl in the story from Michael's past. Over weight or not, every woman is beautiful, every woman has struggles, and no woman deserves to be ridiculed because of her weight or her looks.

Also, please learn from my mistakes. Every woman has insecurities. Don't let your insecurities rule your life and don't ever let yourself believe that you are not beautiful!

P.S.-Those who were wondering about the protein bars, I posted a note on the post explaining my new diet.

18 comments:

Sara said...

Thankyou for having the courage to post this. Self image and weight are so personal and yet, it seems everyone is always judging you for it. I've never been a size six. I've been an eight, but can't imagine I ever will again with out drastic changes and I'm okay with that. When it comes to clothing, I think a proper fit is so much more important the the size on the tag. Thanks for sharing.

PreppyBumpkin said...

What a beautiful and courageous post - wishing you nothing but success and happiness with your new plan!

Lindsey said...

What a great post. I know I can relate. Thanks for the encouraging words.

Southern Belle said...

This is such an amazing post. And you know what, she's a witch. Btw, we all only post flattering pictures of ourselves. LOL! I'm the first to un-tag a not so cute picture. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Emily said...

I'm so happy you posted this for so many reasons. I get to see a closer side of you, one I identify with greatly, and am so thankful for such an honest yet wonderful post. From the pictures I have seen of you in your posts and of all the wonderful stuff you've written I can tell you are a truly beautiful person, not just skin deep but you have a wonderful heart as well!

Melissa said...

Awesome post girl! I always love it when bloggers speak from their heart! I know it's almost the complete opposite of what you're going through, but I struggle with hyper thyroid. It's hard for a lot of people to understand but it really affects you and your weight. With me, I have to be careful how I eat, because I burn an abnormal amount of calories. I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck girl!!

short southern momma said...

AMEN!!!! It is totally what is on the inside that counts! But, I know we, as women, want to look pretty. Not that we are the most vein people in the world, but we kinda think of it as our job to at least look presentable. I have gained 10 pounds since I have started working at home and I have noticed lately that I dont want my picture taken either...it guess we all have our comfort zone and once we move away from that our self esteem starts to fall. I really love this post and the positive message you are sending!! I think you are one of the most beautiful ladies I know {inside and out}...Hope you have a great weekend! xoxo

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

Thank you for sharing this post! We're behind you girl! You're going to do great getting to your goal!

Ann said...

Such an honest post and what a horrible girl from Michael's past. I honestly believe the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself and you seem to have a very good understanding of yourself. I wish you much luck!!

Katiebell said...

Our Bible study this week talked about inner beauty...you'd like this verse..."Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel-rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." 1 Peter 3:3-4

It was very encouraging to me! Love you, sweet friend! Zumba--Monday night! : )

Perambulations through Pittsbrugh said...

You are such an amazing woman for being willing to talk about this. I'm sure it has positive impact on more women than you'll realize. I also struggle with my weight and trying to lose weight and my self image. It's really hard. I'll be following to see how this journey goes for you!!!!

MissJody said...

Yes, I'm so impressed with you and that your so open about this :)
Good job :)

Rachel H. said...

You have always been such a beautiful person inside and out to me...I know you will reach your goal! Thinking of you!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

What an honest post. I think we all have things we struggle with in our appearances.. I tend to think overcoming those just make us stronger and more beautiful! Good luck with your diet. I know you can do it!

PS- I kind of want to punch that ridiculously mean girl. I mean, who does that?!?

d.a.r. said...

Thanks for having the courage to share this. Good luck on your journey!!!

Day Old News said...

This is the first post I've read on your blog and I love you already! So honest and totally brave, not to mention a great writer. Good luck with everything and I'll be reading! :)

LuvNLust said...

great post! I am getting married soon and yes, for all us girls, we must remmember to love our selves first, so we can love him and our family even more!!

Lilly
http://www.baci-farfalle.com
S-6X Corsets - Bridal Corsets - Plus Size Bridal

Katharine said...

If you want to give me the girl's name or address, I'll go find her! I can't believe she said those things. Some people will go to amazing lengths to hurt others, especially if you have something they want. But now she's a miserable person while you were a beautiful bride and are a beautiful wife and woman! Congratulations on being you! (PS, this is Keller's Katie, finally commenting).